Feeling lost once again. I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve wasted so much time just ruminating and doing nothing, neither productive or relaxing. I don’t know if it is because of the influence of a friend and social media, but I keep seeing the word capitalism. I suppose it is inevitable. AGI forbid I start learning more about American politics and find my mind drifting towards thinking what is going on over there? Don’t have the time to be invested in that kind of stuff…Or maybe I am being willfully ignorant of my responsibilities as an American citizen.

Tech layoffs seem scary and from things I’ve seen it will be hard to find entry level tech jobs/internships/transactions of you pay me money I become your legal slave and write code for your purpose. Seeing a video like this doesn’t exactly help my anxiety, but I suppose it is better than just pretending like there are no problems at all going on for job prospects in software in general.

I wonder if there are any other silly, stupid CS majors like myself who write silly, stupid blogs like this. I guess there will always be silly, good people who write silly, goofy websites haha… Without a firm grasp on reality, I feel I am only making my personal situation worse. In times like these, should I compare myself to the less privileged and keep pushing forward? Or should I just take a break from everything and find myself in limbo, potentially finding the idea of staying there forever enticing — much more than that of modern, western society dominated by focus on career and appearance. Is it my continual inability to let go of my fear, is it just the little boy hiding in the closet in fear of the real world and doing what “must” be done? I refuse for this website to just become a public journal of mine. But maybe, some things are worth sharing? haha, hahah, … I think making up your mind about yourself and becoming laser-focused on what you actually want to do will be the only path for salvation. Maybe I am just a walking zombie, pretending to be a living human. Am I already dead? Not going to go there and say we’re all dead already, the second we were born haha. Shit, I am writing like I am in middle school. Is that where my mind is now? Does this website embody that of a middle school kid pretending to be grown up? Yes, to some degree it does. Is it possible, that all this disorder is merely a consequence of not treating yourself seriously and preventing the spontaneous pursuit of positive goals? Trying too hard to plan things perfectly only leads to paralysis and falling behind. I have fallen behind, stuck in the prison of my mind, watching the rest of the world zoom ahead, relentlessly dragged by time from the ear.

My privileged upbringing has made me very soft, and I never try to deny that. I am very grateful to simply have the luxury to do this blog. I just have no idea what I actually want to do, what are my actual interests. I have fooled myself too much via top down cognitive control, and I no longer can distinguish what innate intellectual interests are my own or are that of others. I’ll have to call it for this post, glad some of the other stuff in my journal won’t make it on here 👀👋