I’ve decided that I need God

To combat the gaping hole in my heart and soul, I have decided to end my abstinence from caffeine by reintroducing regular caffeinated coffee for most days of the week instead of the decaf coffee that I was attempting to use as a replacement. Some will call this relapse, and they are correct. To those, I give the middle finger 🖕. I was born to dilly dally, with a mind that desires to just blep.

Allow me to drug myself in a world where “knowledge work” has become predominantly the “high social class” work in comparison to laborious or complex labor jobs.

I digress.

I’ve started meditating to reduce anxiety and stress in my conscious life. It seems one way to fight the demons, the voices in your head, is to allocate time to just “hear them out” instead of fighting them (similar to why I allocate time for masturbation instead of thinking it is taboo, it seems I’ve failed to make that connection earlier). That’s what happens to me for a lot of the time where I practice sitting as still as possible and letting my singular point of focus be brought along a ride to wherever. The physical environment needs to be as quiet and non-disruptive as possible, to apply external pressure on the mind’s focus to go within instead of outside stimuli. Every time I write something like this, I can’t help but smile at the thought of other brains who are so superior to mine that they can simply filter out external noise when needing to focus or do whatever they want, they just will this noise filter into existence. Damn bruh.

It seems a key tenant in meditation is the detachment of the ego in waking life. How ironic that I write a blog that is very much self-centered and perhaps stroking my own ego. Since the definition of spirituality that I will use is the study of the self, this blog is merely a historical record of my spontaneity (and cracks in the near-non-existent armor that is the all-too-useful professional persona). Another thing that someone will encounter when starting their journey of spirituality is questioning desires and attachment. Since desire itself becomes part of one’s identity (e.g. desire for mastery over pockets of reality), it becomes messy.

Meditation has helped me to understand that my desire for transparency in everyday human-to-human interaction is literally born out of a naive, idealistic worldview and a sign of my immaturity. It means that I continued to rebel to play with the rules of the “real world” in which you need to accurately assess and work within social rules predefined that you have no real say over. When instead, I should’ve realized that that is quite futile and that the only practical way forward is to learn the art of human manipulation and persuasion. You should save being more transparent with who you are with people only after you’ve vetted them, conducted the vibe check, or whatever you want to call it. Don’t be a fool like me and just start with that from the get-go because that is priming others to take advantage of you. I already knew this when I was younger and more socially quick-witted, but I’ve since regressed due to an idealistic and stubborn desire to be truthful and transparent. Things don’t work like that.

Insights like this are the motivation for me to continue meditation. If I find good or bad things about myself, I will consider sharing them here on this blog.