I just want to vent, but I don’t want to dump this shit onto a real person in my life, so I write it here, on an “anonymous” blog.

Having some things build up within me and not being able to talk about them to a person who I can trust to reciprocate, to actually understand and relate to my problems, and to give me solid actionable feedback…I find myself unstable at times.

Sometimes I write these things in my own journal, sometimes I fire off a more controlled version of it on Twitter. I think if I’m being honest with myself I had a hope that my ridiculous writings would invite the curiosity of a like-minded individual to reach out and talk to me, to save me from loneliness. Instead, I get a horny gay friend from my primary school sliding into my dms. I’m glad things worked out between us and we can joke about these things, and can just talk about certain things as friends. However, if the reader is a human being, then they know that all relationships are not equal. This isn’t what I’m looking for, I’m looking for a bro, to enter into the trenches with me without having to constantly battle thoughts of wanting to fuck me or fork the relationship into an entirely different direction. It’s just not the same (only because this friend has explicitly told me about the thoughts he has of me). If he didn’t like me in that way, it would be less of a worry. I guess we will see.

I remind myself of Bocchi the Rock sometimes, man, except I’m a lot older and supposed to have things figured out by now.

I have a general sense of uneasiness about what to do with my life, for the future. I sure as hell don’t want to end up like the guy from The Graduate (1967). Might as well kill myself at that point bruh.

The difference in social skills learned between boys and girls growing up is such a massive chasm, I’m honestly astonished.

I should be just declared fucking socially retarded.

Addendum - April 11, 2024

My friend’s response to seeing this post lmao:

Also, clarification, the horniness was not the reason why I message you, it was the reason why I search you up to see how you were doing with no intention to msg you, and I definitely don’t want to fuck you, it is more so the reverse 😤 lol jk

I’m sorry for my stupidity, but not sorry enough because I know it’s going to happen again. At least I do make an honest effort to keep it contained to a relative degree. Hopefully, this silliness sorts itself out when I’m, gosh, I don’t know like 40 or something. Or maybe I’ll stay foreeeeeeveeer youunggg.