My mental state is increasingly destabilizing as I am continuously pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I don’t really experience the phenomenon of “growing stronger” as a result of facing hardship. I feel that I am continuously worn down and am being destroyed from both the inside and out. I become easily irritable at times. I find myself increasingly relying on substances to stay in the game I don’t know why I bother playing a game that I find extremely hard to win. I suppose you’re suppose to do it for the off chance your hard work pays off before you self-destruct and feel proud of yourself (i.e. getting the dopamine and testosterone hit from your brain) I see now that it isn’t so obvious anyone would choose the path of least resistance hoping for big rewards as a result of their short term suffering. However, it really is long term suffering. There are rewards, sure, but will they be enough for you to justify your suffering. You will have to decide that for yourself. It is funny that suffering breeds a creativity that would never exist in blissful ecstasy. The suffering mind finds a way to produce in hopes of no longer suffering, but we’ll continue to force ourselves to suffer knowing that that is how we can get the mind to perform. Pain and suffering is all that my mind has become oversensitive to while dulling out pleasure and comfort. This is the precondition for emo. Those who leave “emo” must have been able to introduce within their lives a recurring source of meaning that is strong enough to overcome the constant overwhelming suffering. Do you want to take on hard challenges that you know you might surely fail or easy challenges that you know you will win to obtain what you always wanted, positive emotion? Positive emotion can be harvested through hard work, if things are set up correctly. Positive emotion can also be cheaply acquired without any hard work at all. So what characteristic defines a difference in quality between different types of positive emotion? When you have all the good things that you took for granted taken away from you, you will learn just how badly you relied on those very things. There exists not a substitute to positive emotion farmed through hard work, or is there? Is there a shortcut that will not kickback in the long term, as 99% of shortcuts do? Is pain and suffering a precondition for success? Can you succeed in your goals without suffering? Impossible, said by many. I wish for the ability to alter my emotional state with a click of a button because I am becoming more and more emotionally unstable, at the risk of starting (if not already on) a downwards spiral of doom and destruction of everything that I built up while in blissful unconscious because things were going well enough for me to be staved away from extreme negative emotion. If you are not able to take failure after failure for prolonged periods of time, are you weak? If you have ever tasted success in your life, will your first ever failure be bitter or sweet? If your manipulation of mathematical symbols comes to a staggering cliff of complexity, a wall you feel you cannot overcome, will you be able to find within yourself the will and strength to climb out of your hellhole and all the way above to the skies where you will see and understand? I question myself day after day, how the hell can I find the strength to overcome my limitations while slamming my face into them day after day? Will they budge or will I break? That is the question, what foundation or integrity do you have to rely on such that you will be able to face hardships knowing that you stand a chance because of all the work you put in, or will you realize that you have created a foundation of lies and know you will fail. Will you shut down when you need to stay awake the most? Will you stop pushing when you need to push the hardest? If you feel you have tried your very best and it is still not enough, what will you do? What can you do when you have already done everything that you can think of? I will need to be more generous in my usage of substances if I want to perform at a higher level than I am performing now. I will need to be more generous if I want to feel better, to be able to work better, and to be able to smile.

All in all I think that subjective pain and suffering are very useful tools for driving creativity and productivity for lazy individuals such as myself.