I know I obviously have my own discernable personality, and it’s probably normal for young people who are still forming their adult personas to question themselves and the “ideal” person for them to become and metamorphosize into, but I still wonder if I am lacking a key ingredient in being able to be what many would say is a defining aspect of humans - creativity.

I feel guilty that I take a lot of “inspiration” from other people, is that the right thing to do, to relentlessly see the best side of each and try to replicate it with your own “flavor”? (Obviously this doesn’t work practically, but it’s the intent of the thought you hear in your head that is right) If I stick to myself and my ideas, I sometimes find that I am empty inside at crucial moments.

Maybe creativity is a muscle that I’ve neglected and let atrophied. On the other hand, it seems that I have a very-much functioning set of different muscles - a self-doubt generator, and it kind of places me in a anxiety-filled world. It hasn’t always been like this, and I think it’s mainly a result of my inability to simulate the contents of the minds of other people to a high enough resolution that I can comfortably predict their actions. It’s scary to not know. But maybe you just have to let go, to not care about not knowing and embrace the “fact” that you can’t do that. Maybe it’s for the better. For someone of my capabilities, I don’t exactly have any other choice, and swallowing that choice hurts. Maybe at some point, it’ll hurt so much that I am actually motivated to change, to mold myself as I see fit, to be happy in the global society we live in — so connected yet so compartmentalized.

I have some ideas of the person I want to be, but exactly how to get there, I don’t exactly have a map. I wonder who will get there first, a multimodal AI leveraging deep reinforcement learning trained on all possible forms of data on me in digital form up till the present moment — or myself, working with all of my memories and biological tech stack. If not giving me anxiety that I’ll inevitably lose in being the best version of myself because an AI version of me did it better, it can give me comfort in knowing that a version of myself will succeed — or give me the exact right amount of motivation to win.